Lunch Break – “The Idea at Rest”
The Idea at Rest
By Cynthia Arrieu-King
In which I hugged my ex-lover
affectionately goodbye at a wedding his date close by
all smiles and colors he used to want me to wear
which did not go with my face
her nails the color he used to want me to wear but I don’t polish mine
I polish nothing in the individual strands of vexation
sunny, quiet, and close to all
and his and my hug stranded itself in a pause
something like falling asleep
the body recalling something and going for
an extended embrace without my allowing
as I once did stand next to a different man
I had asked to marry me ten years before
when his wife and baby were at my mother’s table eating food
and I almost took his hand in mine without thinking
so long the fingers write down within themselves their code
sensing sweaters, unwrapping cough drops,
thumbing another story about teen love,
holding objects while the glue sets, knowing about the wind,
feeling an empty space to be full–
What are futureless languages? American poet Cynthia Arrieu-King examines that question in her collection of the same name, released in 2018 by Radiator Press. In her poems she asks if we have run out of optimism for the future. When I first reviewed Futureless Languages, I wrote that I found the poem “The Idea at Rest” heart-breaking to read. Coming back to the poem again, I felt the same. To expound, “The Idea at Rest” recalls moments at which the speaker was unknowingly too intimate with someone who was unable to reciprocate her feelings. She blames this on a bodily “code” that mars her sense of agency when meeting her ex-lovers.
There are a lot of things that we do without thinking too much. These intuitive actions include eating and breathing, which are less intentional than going in for an embrace. Yet the speaker explains that the “extended embrace” with an ex-lover at a common friend’s wedding happened “without [her] allowing”. This loss of control immediately triggers another memory in which she almost took the hand of a married man “without thinking”. To the speaker, such behaviour is as automatic as “sensing sweaters, unwrapping cough drops”. As these actions are often overlooked, the mention of them in the poem draws attention to the speaker’s heightened awareness.
In addition to self-betrayal, this poem explores betrayal in its social forms. In both encounters with the ex-lovers, the speaker finds that her instinctive actions betray her true feelings to anyone watching. With the first ex-lover, the speaker remembers how she did not do what he wanted of her while they were in a relationship, thus exercising her agency. However, when she meets him at a wedding, she unconsciously embraces him for a longer time than befits mere friends. Her going for an extended embrace or nearly taking her second ex-lover’s hand in hers “without [her] allowing” and “without thinking” are betrayals of her desire for intimacy and her feelings for these men. These feelings are illicit, and these actions are inappropriate, since both ex-lovers have partners. However, the speaker’s intimate confession draws the reader to the speaker in complicit sympathy.
Despite knowing that her actions are not socially appropriate, the speaker is unable to hold herself back, intuitively “feeling an empty space to be full”. This “empty space” refers to a literal empty space that she fills by bringing her ex-lovers physically closer to her, but also refers to an emotional “empty space” that had been left behind by the ex-lovers. It is therefore not difficult to sympathise with the speaker. She is aware that this behaviour recurs in her life. Her recollection, like the hug, is also an intuitive action. She compares the action to “holding objects while the glue sets” and to “unwrapping cough drops”—common and natural actions. While they do not stand out, they are necessary for her to achieve certain goals. Her recollection fills the chasm between her intention and her action by contextualising her behaviour, thus “feeling an empty space to be full”.
The poem ends with an incomplete sentence which reads like a sudden realisation: we cannot overcome our subconscious. “I polish nothing,” says the speaker; accordingly, the poem encourages the reader to interrogate the instinctive actions that we may overlook as they contain many truths. It also makes us wonder how much of the writing of poetry in general is also instinctive and unconscious, no result of craft.
Lim Xin Hwee has a keen interest in language and how people use it. A member of the writing collective /s@ber, she has written many things, important and unimportant. She graduated from NTU with a degree in English and Linguistics.
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