“Caregiver burnout” and Other Poems
By Valerie Eng
Chok Si Xuan - latent (2022), Installation-based work with steel cable structures, tubes, pneumatic systems, and silicone. Image courtesy of the artist.
Image description: An installation featuring synthetic elements resembling parts of a machine—including cables, air compressors, and silver metallic structures—hangs down from two intertwined strands of transparent tubes. The installation is displayed against a white wall, on which gridded shadows are cast.
Tasting note for grief
a surge of bitter and a hint of lime
surf up the anchorage of a bland nasal
tube. I am salt that I never taste only
do you remember
me?
dream of like cherry ganache on a too big plate
eating up space so there is none left my palate is
do you remember
what happened?
north east south west is
sweet sour bitter salty spicy
can you feel your legs?
can you move your toes?
kong kong’s canned peaches
syrup sweet glucose soft tongue smashing the fruit on gum
fuzzy auras
around my new name
I have lost count of the days that drag on
nausea’s sweet stench i taste through
spinal cord injury
between my two lips
stuffed inside a nose
one half-blocked by a tube that helps me eat
survival has been everything
I did not ask for this.
Chok Si Xuan - latent (2022), Installation-based work with steel cable structures, tubes, pneumatic systems, and silicone. Image courtesy of the artist.
Image description: A pile of black-colored cables and electrical connectors are placed on the floor, forming electrical circuits. They are connected to a hanging installation, which features synthetic elements such as tubes and air compressors.
Caregiver burnout
i have no flowers with me you hang from the ceiling
i have no soil with me your four limbs are enmeshed in rods
i have no water with me you drank and drained it all through a plastic tube
i have no sugar with me your salt sweat you yourself drank
i have been hurting for some time you have been hurting for a longer time
we have been hurting for some time
your legs are supported with foam and pillow i ask if your spine is now fully metal
you have no control left in yourself i have no fear left in me
you have been hurting for some time i have been hurting for a longer time
we have been hurting for some time
Chok Si Xuan - latent (2022), Installation-based work with steel-cable structures, tubes, pneumatic systems, and silicone. Image courtesy of the artist.
Image description: The image depicts a close-up shot of an installation featuring various synthetic materials that resemble elements of a machine, including tubes, white air compressors, silver metallic structures, and electrical connectors. Entangled together in two bunches, the materials hang in mid-air, against a white wall.
Timeline in the form of my childhood best friend
2010
split our allowance for four packs of Daiso eraser animals
and got lost in Daiso while playing hide-and-seek
and then got confused at the mall playground’s layout
2012
matching sun tans!
her PSLE – she didn’t cry
One Direction karaoke all day every day!
2013
my PSLE which I didn’t study for
she cried when I went to a different school
2017
we met in the hospital
built wooden dinosaurs and painted them
mine was a nice shade of vomit
hers was a perfect rainbow
we ate Llao Llao downstairs
hugged after 5 years
2018
I spent a month in the ICU
she cried when she saw my plastered legs
and then hugged me
like she never wanted to lose me
2019
her funeral
2023
i turned 22
without her.
Valerie Eng is a mentally ill and disabled poet from Singapore. She is a survivor of a suicide attempt that left her paraplegic. Valerie is currently documenting the reclamation of her life beyond illness.
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Chok Si Xuan is an installation-based artist. Within her practice, she is primarily concerned with the investigation of material systems as embodiments of connections or relationships, often disrupting these inimical technologies with bodily acts that signify women’s work and the human hand. She currently resides and practices in Singapore, working on exhibitions, commissions and creative projects.
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From salt to frozen yogurt, Valerie Eng takes us through a jumbled journey of flavors—equal parts liquid and sharp, joyful and grieving.