Apa Lagi
By Preeta Samarasan
Mogan Selvakannu, untitled photograph.
Image description: A small brown puppy walks on a deserted road in the foreground, bordered by tall weeds and green grasses, telephone poles and wires, and a sun-drenched hillside in the distance under a grey sky.
First-first was Puppy. My sister jumped inside the monsoon drain and pulled the fler out one night when she was walking back from tuition class. No other puppy in our house that time, so normal lah, we put the name as Puppy, same like how the first baby, people will call Baby, first boy will be Boy, first girl will be Girl. Then after that only they’ll be sitting and scratching their heads thinking Aiyo now got two babies so how?
That time we just only shifted from the estate to the taman. Appa’s EPF money just nice for renting a house with two bedrooms, Appa and Amma in one room, me and my sister in the other room and the three boys sleeping in the front hall, a bit kachan-muchan, samo raining means the whole house will be full of clothes hanging here there everywhere. But for us it was quite okay, morning time the boys will roll up their mats, take the mats to our room, put the chairs all back. Toilet got two, so no traffic jam nothing. After we all go to school, Amma will sweep and mop, Appa will be taking care of the outside work. Karuvapillai, pandan, serai, everything also he had in the garden until the landlord himself said Wah, me so lucky man, where people can find tenant like you all, myself renting out to you and you keeping the garden like your own!
That time when the landlord comes, Appa will give pandan, kunyit, daun kesum, whatever that was growing nicely, then the landlord will be damn happy, go home with one big smile on the face. One day the wife cooked Chinese-style chicken curry, he brought and gave us, said Try and see what we all make with your kunyit.
No need to say also: where Indian people can find Chinese landlord like that? Most of them see our name only straightaway the Sorry no Indians will come. But this one? Even we hang the wet clothes everywhere also he never made fuss, he just told us, Ok, maybe you need to buy that type of rack that can fold up. Then one day he himself comes with the folding rack, you can believe or not? That type of landlord he was. One in a million. We also damn lucky. He lucky, we lucky. That’s what, even after everything that happened, cannot simply say.
Following year Akka was going to sit for STPM, that’s why tuition class. Before that we never went for tuition all, where we can afford? But after retirement Appa got his EPF money so he told Akka, You got good brains, I send you for tuition, you come up first and later it will be your turn to help your brothers and your sister. He simply said like that, but my eldest brother was only two years younger to her, so how can she come up so fast to help him? She Form Six, he Form Four, just behind her. Appa looking at the five of us every day every day, of course lah a bit tension. Amma used to tell him, Don’t worry, God is there, but I don’t think so he could really believe it. Not like how she believed. Amma was a true believer, never getting worried, never naik angin, everything also she will take it calmly and look for a solution. Whenever she told him God is there he will shake his head yes yes, but his face will be restless, and after few minutes he will quietly go outside and smoke one cigarette under the veppamaram. Not to say hiding or anything, Amma knew he was smoking but she used to tell us Never mind lah, let him have at least one thing for himself, bad habit is bad habit, what to do, that is the only thing that can help your Appa relax.
With all his worrying about money and worrying about our future, you can picture his face when Akka brought home that puppy.
–Cannot, cannot, he said. – What, you think we are Hollywood stars or Chinese towkays or what, to keep dogs and cats?
My sister knew, no use arguing with him. She was holding the wet puppy tight-tight against her body like that until her own T-shirt also soaking wet, but the fler still shivering. Water dripping from her legs, I can still remember how her legs were looking so shiny under the porch light. Very obediently she said:
–Okay Appa. Tomorrow I find somebody to take him. I ask my Chinese friends and see. Tonight please let him stay with us. I’ll put one old towel here on the porch, he can sleep here.
Appa gave one big sigh and grumbled,
–You wait and see, it’s going to dirty the porch, it’s going to shit here and piss there, well, not my problem, you’re the one who’s going to have to clean it –
But before he could even finish grumbling my sister had already spread out the towel. Once he got out all the grumbling from his system Appa called Amma:
–Selvi! Selvi! Bring one old Tupperware, at least put some water for this dog, we can’t leave it without water.
After few minutes my second brother came out with one blue ice cream tub. Filled it at the outside tap while my sister dried Puppy with one old towel and made a sleeping place for him with one more old towel. In the night, we could hear Puppy crying a little bit but not too much, not too loud. Morning when Appa went to check so that he could tell us You see, I told you isn’t it, it will dirty the whole place, the porch was clean. When we came home from school Appa told us:
–Not bad actually this dog, no mother to teach him also, he knows how to do his business far away in the grass near the fence there. Got a bit of lalang growing there now, I must trim it.
–I fed it a bit of old rice and two biscuits, Amma said. – Quietly ate everything. No fuss.
When Akka came back from tuition she had a long face. She told Appa:
–I asked everybody, even the teachers all I asked, everybody said no. Nobody wants the puppy.
Appa said:
–Now what? I must put your dog on my head and carry, is it?
–Then go and leave it outside the wet market, Amma told him. – The traders there throw their scraps to the stray dogs and cats.
But when the time came for Appa to take Puppy to the market, Appa’s face grew even longer than Akka’s.
–Listen to him groaning and sighing like as though he is about to give birth, Amma said.
While putting Puppy inside his bicycle basket Appa started muttering to himself:
–Who knows what happened to its mother, its brothers and sisters, who knows all that.
–All that you don’t need to know, Amma said. – Just go and quietly leave it outside the market, otherwise you are going to be grumbling for the rest of that dog’s life and we will have to sit and listen to you.
Appa went with Puppy inside the basket, Appa came with Puppy inside the basket and a new dog chain. Amma didn’t even need to ask him anything. Tied to the back of bicycle he had one small newspaper bundle.
–Bones from the pork stall, Appa said, like as though somebody asked him. – Man sold me the whole bundle for one ringgit.
That was how Puppy came to stay with us. From old rice and cream crackers it came to bones from the market vendors. From bones it came to that day’s leftover rice with paruppu sambar. From paruppu sambar it came to rice boiled just for him with cheap meat and vegetables.
By the time my eldest brother brought home Dhanush one eversilver thambalam already took the place of the old blue ice cream tub. Puppy and Dhanush together will eat from the thambalam like two good friends eating from one leaf. Looking at them you won’t think they can be brothers. Puppy so small and thin with brown colour short fur like the normal mongrel you can find everywhere. Dhanush with a fluffy black coat like as though going for holiday to Swiss Alps. When Perianneh saw him first time some kampung children were beating him up. Tied one rope around his neck, hitting him with sticks, throwing stones.
Again Appa moaned and groaned like a pregnant woman, but Amma said:
–What is the difference? Puppy cannot finish all his food every day anyway. Look at the thambalam, see the amount of ants coming for the leftover rice. At least with two dogs the food won’t be sitting there attracting ants.
When we saw them sleeping pressed so close together on the towel like as if they been together from the womb, we had no heart even to ask anybody if they wanted to take Dhanush. Maybe could have had some luck with him because of his look, like bought from pet shop like that. Lot of people used to admire him but Amma herself started telling them, No, Dhanush goes that side only, this side Puppy will die from broken heart.
So, like that lah. The two flers became the kings of our family. Mornings we used to let them roam around the compound, evenings once all the neighbours came home from work, we’ll tie them to the gate.
How to explain to you all? After Dhanush came Rolling Stone, found by my second brother on the roadside after getting hit by a car. When Appa saw my brother coming carrying another dog he said Why send me to buy one chain at a time, I can just bring a few and keep at home. That one line was the last fight he put up.
After Rolling Stone came Jayalalitha but we did not know Jayalalitha was a girl and that’s how we got Boney M., Bee Gee, and Murphy Richards. No need to go looking for which band was called Murphy Richards. That one was the brand of Amma’s family’s first electric iron.
Landlord was okay with just Puppy and Dhanush. Said he also likes dogs. Said as long as we can keep clean, no problem. But once there were three puppies running around and then digging holes everywhere, landlord started to make noise. Understandable what. Have to see from his side too isn’t it?
–Aisehman, you keep one or two, is okay la. After all, your dog inside the gate and the gate closed, nobody can complain anything. But you keep dog until got seven dog, how can la? You want to tie all to your gate also no space, am I right? So, every time you tie two, you tie three, the others running here running there. Even Chinese neighbour also will complain. Even INDIAN neighbour, even your own people also, will still complain. Now you imagine the Malay neighbour and see. You got seven dog, you tie up three also, you open the gate, sure one or two will run out. Seven dog how to keep track? Then if kena the makcik or the pakcik, sure they not happy lor. Samo your dog not like the street dog, street dog see people onni will run away. Your dog too friendly, see people want to run to the people instead of run away.
Mogan Selvakannu, untitled photograph.
Image description: A puppy sleeps in the sun on the ground near a motorcycle, abandoned tires, and a fenced road.
That time hardly any Malays in our taman. Just one family next door, came not too long before. After Rolling Stone but before Jayalalitha. Maybe, seeing Jayalalitha’s puppies sucking milk from her on the porch, they felt a bit geli or what. After the landlord told us no choice, must reduce back to one or at most two dogs, Akka said:
–Not all Malays are like that. Some are even running dog shelters, having twenty-thirty stray dogs. I saw on Instagram.
–Whether some are running dog shelters or tiger shelters or pig shelters, that doesn’t matter, Appa said. – Out of ten Malays, two may be keeping dogs on their own lap, but you won’t be able to escape from the other eight. You saw isn’t it the new surau coming up? Lot more Malays going to be moving into this area. You cannot expect all of them to be like what you see on Instagram.
–Then...how? Amma said. – After keeping these dogs like our own children, we have to throw them back in the monsoon drain?
When he answered her, Appa kept his eyes on the ground like a small boy knowing he will get a knock on the head for asking for the latest toy. His voice also a bit quiet, a bit stubborn. Like that lah. Like a small boy, not sure or not whether to fight for his rights.
–We have to buy our own place. No other way. Even without dogs Indians already struggle to find people who will rent to them. We were lucky we found Mr Goh. But with seven dogs, no need to dream.
Amma’s mouth fell open big enough for ten flies to fly inside and lay eggs.
–Our own place?
At first Appa might as well have said, We should fly to the moon. But thinking-thinking also, we couldn’t think of anything else. It was like as if we made a list with all the choices: 1) Throw away the dogs; 2) Try to find a place to rent in an area where people won’t mind so many dogs; 3) Buy our own place. Immediately we could see we have to cross out (1) and (2).
–Buy our own place also, neighbours can complain what, Akka said.
–Want to complain, complain lah, Appa said. – They can complain but they won’t be able to force us to leave. Who is to tell us what we can do behind our own gate?
Straightaway he sat down and calculated how much he can put for the downpayment, how much he can afford for monthly loan payment, how much he need to keep for food, electricity bill, water bill, our schooling expenses. Mustn’t forget cukai tanah, cukai pintu, and a bit of saving for the house repairs and the just in case. We also feeling damn excited. Already can picture how we’ll sumbat all seven of the dogs inside the movers’ lorry one shot.
But after calculating Appa’s face was a bit quiet like that. Few hours no more house talk. His voice also different. Went to have his bath, asked Amma to make goreng pisang for teatime. But evening time on the same day itself he recovered. Told us:
–We just have to find the areas we can afford. Around here no need to dream. But if we go a bit further out we can find something.
From that time onwards Appa’s whole life was househunting. Take commuter train, take bus, and then walk walk walk to don’t know where all. Walk miles in the hot sun, on the hottest days one thin cloth will be tied to the head, you see him also you’ll feel sorry, aiyo who is this poor old man walking until kingdom come. He went until Jinjang, until Rawang, until Klang, until places we never even heard before. Malay areas no need to try also, he knew, the only hope will be a corner lot with a bit of land in an Indian area or a Chinese area, a small backyard where we can hide the dogs out of sight if we sense trouble.
Come back, always the same story. This one got five holes in the roof, raining time you can go swimming in the front hall. That one got broken toilet, buyer must fix. This one got white ants, that one got no inner kitchen, this one the rusted front gate hanging by one screw, that one the water stains on the wall can use for map of the world like that. What to do, our budget cannot go higher.
After few months, we knew we were running out of time already. Akka’s exam coming, how can she sit for exam with no peace to study, every day the neighbour coming and shouting, three times a week landlord threatening to call the Bandaraya people to come and catch our dogs.
– I told you all already isn’t it, he said, you have to reduce to one or two, still you don’t reduce.
It was not that we purposely did not want to listen to him. After some time looking for a place we also thought, okay lah, we reduce. But how to choose? When we looked at Puppy we’ll say No not this fler, he came first, how can he be the one that we send away? When we looked at Dhanush, No, not this handsome bugger. When we looked at Rolling Stone, Aiyo, not this paavam one, already he had such a hard life before we took him. Jayalalitha: Aiyo, how can we send away the only girl? Boney M., Bee Gee, Murphy Richards: how can we snatch the babies away from the Amma? Big already also, still her babies, what? Which mother will want to be separated from her children like that?
And dogs, they are not like people.
People means, you look at one, the face will tell you: Not me, you please go and do it to the other fler. But dogs are loyal. You look at one face, you know if you do it to the other fler this one won’t feel like the winner. For them, they are one. One pack, one family, not separate. Whatever harms one harms the whole pack.
As though we could explain all this to Mr Goh. All he could see was that big number SEVEN. To get from seven to two you must reduce by five. Simple maths.
Mogan Selvakannu, untitled photograph.
Image description: Lush green vegetation, icluding bushes with pink flowers and palm fronds, rise along a fenced blue-and-white striped embankment above a canal through which brown water flows.
Already few times Mr Goh had to settle with the neighbour, fifty ringgit here, hundred ringgit there so that they won’t report him, until one fine day he said last chance already, next time any neighbour complain about your dogs either I send the dog catcher or either I send eviction notice, you can go and live under the bridge inside a cardboard box. When he said like that he was so angry, his face was bright red like as though he did yam seng ten times at his son’s wedding, never seen him like that before. At first we felt, finish for us. Puppy, Dhanush, Rolling Stone, Jayalalitha, Boney M., Bee Gee, Murphy Richards, finish for you all.
But even after thinking like that we refused to say die. All sorts of plans we made. We thought maybe we just buy one piece of land in some kampung somewhere around here, then we build our own simple house. No need any canggih house plan, just four walls and a roof, we hire the cheapest contractor to build it. Maybe we find somebody to take the dogs first, then when we have a house, we go and bring them back. We even thought maybe East Coast might have cheaper houses. We told the landlord, within three more months we will be out, you won’t have to worry about us and our dogs.
You must be laughing, thinking these bloody fools cannot even afford to feed themselves properly, no money to buy a car, no money to send the children for private diploma course or whatever, and here the most important thing is the dogs it seems. What kind of people, you must be telling yourselves.
If you don’t know, maybe I cannot explain. You look at Puppy wagging the tail, you don’t have money to buy a cold drink also you will feel like got one waterfall inside your own body. You look at Rolling Stone rolling on the cement, even however angry you were feeling that one Chinese lady on the bus called you black devil thinking you won’t understand, suddenly you’ll be laughing like big-big bubbles coming up from the stomach. You look at Murphy Richards’ eyes, it is like he is telling you the big story that inside it it has all the stories in the world, and suddenly you will feel your heart is going to crack open because you know too much already. Who won’t break down and cry if they can see our whole past and our whole future? That is what you could see inside Murphy Richards’ eyes. How to simply throw away that kind of wisdom?
But in the end we didn’t get a chance to find out about East Coast houses, because Appa got sick.
First when his cough came, Amma said maybe heaty cough from all the walking in the hot sun. Then Appa said must be because he got wet in the rain one afternoon. But heaty or rain or what, that cough went from bad to worse until when he coughed we felt like the whole earth was shaking. We close our ears and our eyes also still the cough was there, all day and all night. We put pillow over our head also still can hear him. Until the day there was blood in the sink Appa kept insisting Nothing lah, this one small thing, will go by itself.
At the hospital the doctor checked him and said, Have to send him for tests. Coughing for how long? he asked again after Amma already told him. Then when she answered he said tsk tsk tsk Why you estate people never take proper care of your health ah?
If Indian doctor can talk like that, what more Malay or Chinese, am I right? Of course lah, he himself not the estate type. High class, inside the mother’s stomach already speaking English, what we call black backside white man. Other people call us keling or these people call us estate type, what’s the difference? The point is, you cannot tell any of them that your husband had to go and smoke under the veppamaram every day because his Estate Type life gave him too many worries and no other way to cope.
When Appa got the test results and told the landlord he gave one big sigh and said:
–You Indians ah, one thing after another. Damn fed up of you all and your sob stories I tell you. All the dogs you better send to the SPCA right now. This type of situation you better don’t keep dogs. If still you cannot listen, you ask your eldest daughter or your eldest son to find a place. I give you grace period, another three months. Apa lagi you mau?
We didn’t know the correct words to tell him, for this type of situation only we need the dogs. Apa lagi India mau, India mau dia punya anjing. What else we got, Mr Goh? House don’t have, future don’t have, soon father also we won’t have. All this type of thing you cannot say to your Chinese landlord. Akka and Perianneh just quietly agreed. Yes, Mr Goh, we will find a place. After my STPM exam, Akka said. Once the exam is over guarantee I will find a solution.
In the end we couldn’t find any grace during the grace period. First thing was, Appa got more and more worse. Suddenly one day handkerchief also was not enough for the blood coming out from his coughing, we had to put one pail next to his bed. Hospital gave appointment for all kind of thing but even the first appointment was so far away, we look at Appa also we know he will die before they can start the treatment. What choice we had? Take the EPF money and go to private hospital, that was our only chance. Chance means chance only. That time itself we knew, even the doctor told us, Cannot guarantee you anything. Maybe Appa will get few more months, maybe he will get few more years, maybe he will get nothing. But looking at the balance in the bank after the first hospital bill, Akka decided to stop her tuition classes. Never mind, she said, if by now I cannot get good marks, few more weeks of tuition won’t make any difference.
Maybe by now, you all also fed up of our sob stories. But what else I got for you? Surely you don’t expect me to make up one nice happy ending just for a change. Even I give you a no-sobbing story also I won’t get a prize for it, otherwise I don’t mind. I give you the story, you say See, Indian people all doing fine in the end, you put the money in our bank account, then okay. But it won’t be like that. Sob story or smile story, we still get nothing, so I might as well tell the truth: when Appa cannot walk anymore that time, Akka went to one government office to find out about which bantuan we can get. Collected all the forms, got up to go home, then suddenly there was this lady.
That’s what she told us: there was this lady, don’t know came from where. Asked her all her whole life story, our family situation, everything. Then writing-writing on one small piece of paper the lady said, got people to help you all, you just go and find out from this office. Gave the paper to Akka.
Akka took one look at the paper, laughed in the lady’s face, crumpled up the paper and put inside her bag. Sorry makcik, not interested she said.
Mogan Selvakannu, untitled photograph.
Image description: A small black and white puppy curls up asleep on a cement walk, a short distance from a long puddle, leaning against a beige wall of closed garage and locker doors.
Few weeks later Appa died. If you don’t like sob stories means you can tell yourself, at least when the time came it happened very fast. Monday still talking to us, Tuesday rushed to hospital and warded, Wednesday dead. We all sitting there looking at the private ambulance bill, the hospital bill, the funeral expenses. Choose the simplest coffin, Appa already told us. Four planks, enough. But four planks also, nothing is free unless you want to put your father’s body in the dustbin for DBKL to collect.
Must be like that when a car got a leak in the petrol tank, you can see the level going down right before your eyes: our bank balance also same. I tell you, Akka went to sit for STPM with all the minus minus minus inside her head until no place for anything else. No, actually half the head was the bank balance and the other half was our landlord’s bright red face. But whatever it is, one way or another she sat for all the papers and finished off the exam.
Next day itself landlord came. Like as though he was keeping the STPM calendar next to his bed like that. Cannot wait anymore, he said, you people used up all my patience already.
What to do? No courage to beg him, Please lah, have some pity, don’t you feel sorry for us, father just died, mother not working, five children still schooling, because then he will say don’t bring some more sob stories, how long already I was understanding, I was patient, what more you want.
Tomorrow, Mr Goh, tomorrow I will find a place, Akka said. Promise you, first place I can find I will take it, never mind nice or not, good area or not, rainwater coming inside also I will take it.
Next day from six o’clock in the morning Akka sat with the phone in the hand WhatsApping every house-for-rent number that she could find. Afternoon she walked around our taman and called the numbers on the For Rent signs. Evening she came back, washed hands washed face, drank one whole gallon of ice water, and fished out the crumpled paper from her handbag. There on the website was one long list of bantuan we could get:
*Monthly allowance
*Rent aid
*Housing construction aid
*Home purchase aid
*Emergency aid
*Debt payment aid
*Medication & treatment aid
*Marriage allowance
*Hari Raya aid
*Conversion gratuity
*Circumcision allowance
*Funeral arrangement aid
*Legal fee aid
*Business capital aid
*Monthly student allowance
*Pocket money for students
*Islamic education class allowance
Looking at the list also our eyes popped out.
At first Amma scolded Akka,
–Have you gone mad? Or one evil spirit has possessed you for you to talk this type of nonsense?
My brothers also making jokes only:
–If we sunat all three of us one shot then how much allowance we can collect for all three banana peels?
But Akka didn’t laugh at any of their jokes.
–Then what about the dogs? Amma said. – You think they will let us keep dogs after we masuk Islam ?
–Listen to me carefully, Akka said. – Even if only one of us converts, we still can get most of these things. If I had done it earlier, look what all we could have got for Appa. My pride was bigger than my sense.
If Appa didn’t die yet he would have said, Over my dead body. But since we already burnt his body we did not have to worry about that. Even Amma slowly-slowly started to say, Try and see then.
We didn’t have to tell her in this country there is no try and see when it comes to this, if you try and see and you don’t like then too bad for you, you cannot un-try it. After all, Amma already knew. Sometimes you have to say this type of thing, try and see, give it a try, why not, just to soften something for your own mouth, otherwise when you try to swallow it you will choke. Just don’t go as far as what do you have to lose because then your brain will force you to answer the question your mouth is asking.
Thanks to Akka’s bright idea, she got plenty of help for finding a new house and shifting. My Akka damn clever, don’t worry, she knew exactly how to play the game. How to tell the mualaf association, Yes, my mother and my siblings are slowly learning, soon they also will get hidayah, then come home and help Amma to pluck flowers for the sami room. How to promise them she only will do all the marketing and all the cooking for the house, then come home and nicely whack the Hokkien mee my brother bought outside. How to put on the tudung for them and take off the tudung when coming home, because we all knew, as soon as the dog-hater neighbours suspect she masuk Islam, finish. Finish for you all, Puppy, Dhanush, Rolling Stone, Jayalalitha, Boney M., Bee Gee, Murphy Richards.
You see, we came close to an almost-happy ending. Three-quarter happy we could have called it. Father don’t have, but managed to find a house to rent, stay together, keep our dogs. Even Akka’s STPM results also quite okay. How she even passed with everything that was happening around that time, simply no idea. Nobody expected it. But somehow she got through, not to say good enough for medicine or pharmacy lah, that one all don’t dream, masuk Islam five years ago also our family where got cable to change the race on the IC? That one even the mualaf association will shake head and show their hands. At least she got a place to study isn’t it? For once in our life we thought Yabbah, finally can breathe a bit.
I should leave it here. Just say Okay thank you, The End, happily ever after, good night ladies and gentlemen. But what for I’m telling you this story then? Victim card is the only card you all gave us so why not we use it? I know you prefer to smile happily and say Ah, what a nice story while we suffer alone, but why should I let you do that? Why shouldn’t I grab your hearts and squeeze hard until a few drops of pity come out? It’s for you to decide, is she telling the truth or is she simply cooking up as usual like how those bloody keling love to do.
So you choose. One side, happy ending, we close shop now, you go to sleep peacefully.
Other side, my sister coming home for her first weekend from uni, walking back from the bus stop with her bag. She doesn’t notice the van parked few doors away. After one whole week of halal food, she is one hundred percent focused on the wantan mee she asked my brother to buy. She reaches the gate only, all seven dogs rushing to greet her. Each one jumping, crying, licking her hands, turning round and round. My sister laughing and telling them Down Puppy, down Boney M., good boy Bee Gee, good girl Jayalalitha. Till now we don’t know how, suddenly Murphy Richards pushed past all the others and ran out through the opening in the gate. Bolted like a racehorse, straight to the men walking towards our house. Why he did that we will never know. Well, at least it happened very fast, just like when Appa finally died. One gunshot and all the wisdom that we used to see stored up there behind Murphy Richards’s eyes poured out onto the road, all the stories that were inside the big story spilt and spread everywhere. Nobody could scoop them up, we could only watch like useless fools. All gone. Our whole past and our whole future.
I still maintain my Akka damn clever, but in that situation who can think straight? She ran to Murphy Richards, screaming and sobbing, something like words coming from her mouth full of tears and spit, but the words were only broken-broken pieces, even we couldn’t put them together. All that came out of it was that Akka ended up having to give the men her name, show them her IC. By the time they were writing down her IC number Murphy Richards’ eyes already just blank like nothing, like cheap marbles. From Buddha to bag leaking on the road within one minute.
We knew, not only finish for Murphy Richards, finish for all the rest of you all also, Puppy, Dhanush, Rolling Stone, Jayalalitha, Boney M., Bee Gee. Finish for us also, because we were one pack, one family, not separate, and whatever harms one harms the whole pack.
When the holy men came to sit in our front hall with their faces so constipated even though we already tied up all the dogs behind, Akka tried to explain to them. I saw on Instagram, she said. Good Muslims keeping dog shelters. Kind-hearted young ladies wearing tudung and feeding the stray dogs. One makcik carrying the dog that got hit by a car right in front of her warung.
But between her explaining and their explaining, everybody knew their explaining was going to win. Hers like water, theirs like teh tarik, thick and strong and so sweet until you can feel jelak. And it didn’t stop, just kept coming like as though they were pouring it from a magic teapot that cannot get empty. They knew, all they have to do is keep pouring and Akka will have to give up and get rid of the dogs. No need for them to say Bantuan or dogs, you choose. No need to scold, nothing to threaten. Just keep pouring.
That was how Puppy, Dhanush, Rolling Stone, Jayalalitha, Boney M., and Bee Gee got taken away to the SPCA. What-what we did to keep all of us together, our whole pack, two legs and four legs, ready to build our own house, ready to move to Terengganu, to the point we offered up our own flesh and blood over Appa’s dead body to the people who distribute god’s bantuan. Want to say all for nothing also cannot say, isn’t it? But say what you may we have to admit, we did it for the sake of the dogs but in the end we lost them because of what we did to keep them.
That’s why sometimes, cannot help it, even with all the bantuan coming in I feel we lost more than we gained. Then I start feeling too sad that I just close my eyes and go back to our kachan-muchan house with the clothes hanging everywhere in the front hall, Amma shouting about one thing, Akka trying to study, Appa hiding and smoking under the veppamaram tree where all of us could see him. If I wait long enough with closed eyes the medicine for my heavy heart always comes. It comes riding on a bicycle, and it is Appa, coming back from the market the same way that he went, behind him the newspaper bundle of pork bones and in front the one real thing that is for all of us finally, Puppy with his tongue hanging out, filling up the whole basket like a fixed deposit for the rest of our lives.
Mogan Selvakannu, untitled photograph.
Image description: A pale yellow wall is punctuated by a door closed with a metal accordion grill, a window behind dark brown wooden shutters, and the edge of a louvered doorway. On the ground below the window sits and empty wheelchair. Above the grilled door is a plaque with the number 5 and a small framed picture of Ganesha.
Preeta Samarasan grew up in the Malaysian Tamil community and now lives in France. Her novels and short fiction explore the impact of racial politics and class divisions on characters from all walks of Malaysian life. She is also committed to the documentation and preservation of diverse Malaysian registers of English-language speech. Drawing upon her early exposure to masters of oral storytelling, which she holds to be a cornerstone of Tamil identity and heritage, she aims to create a literary idiom faithful to the linguistic inventiveness of her ancestors.
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Mogan Selvakannu (https://www.moganselvakannu.com) is a Malaysian documentary photographer and award-winning filmmaker exploring history, social science, and human conditions. Holding a BA (Hons) in Documentary Photography from the University of South Wales, his work visualizes the past's impact on the 21st century. His photography has appeared in BBC Creative (London 2019), Source Magazine (UK 2019), Wellcome Prize (UK 2019), and in outlets like France 24, BFM 89.9, The Star, and MalaysiaKini. He earned recognition from ImpactDOCS Awards and The IndieFest Film Awards 2023 for his feature film Don't Rock the Boat. Mogan curated exhibitions including Pictures of Life (Kuala Lumpur, 2020) and Of Inertia and Solidarity (2020), and led online workshops.
